Have you ever wondered who you really are? When all the layers and layers of misconception, pain, rejection, fear, self-hatred, and pride is stripped away. Like paint remover, I feel the acid dripping on the innermost part of my being. My soul cries out – let me be – please let me be! This is all I know – this is all of me. But, I feel it dripping, dripping, dripping – working its way into every crevice of my identity. I cry out. My knuckles white with fear – I hold on.
I feel lost, so very lost inside of me. Then I hear the whisper ” You are mine, I love you, you are not a mistake.” “What – what did You just say?” “You are not talking about me, are You?” I hear myself reply. For so very long, that is all I could believe. Why care about me if I can’t even love myself ? Who am I suppose to embrace if I don’t even know who I am? “Embrace Me” I hear the whisper. “Why?” I wonder aloud. ” Because I love you, I made you and I make no mistakes.” I hear again.
The tug of war in my brain, threatens to overwhelm my senses. All these years of lies God. All these years of begging for a revelation of your love for me. Why? Where are You? Where were You? Like a puppet in a show, I feel my life driven by a hand out of my control. A hand driven by performance, perceived emotions, reactions and those words God – those many words. Words from a multitude of unchecked tongues – slicing my soul – letting little drops of me, drip on the dust of this earth around my feet, God. The dust that You created me from. How ironical is that?!
“Where are You?” my soul cries out. “I am here” the voice in my head, now louder. ” It’s Me” dripping in the dust around you my son. It’s Me!” “I am you – I am the only all of you.” I feel my mind spinning, like a punch drunk boxer frantically trying to find his equilibrium. ” What did You say? Who was dripping?” ” It is Me” I hear. I feel my mind crack open – a little and then wide. That thing called love started trickling, then gushing in. By this time I’m clawing – grappling for anything familiar. ” I’m out” I hear myself say – ” this is too much!” ” You are right, you are out – nothing in you deserves all of Me. “Open up your heart and let Me in. ” ” Let go of your guilt and shame and you will see who you really are. Shelf who you think you are or who you perceive the world wants you to be. You are uniquely you and the world is in desperate need of the real you. Fake is at the order of the day and everybody is faked out.”
Emotionally spent and mind twirling I hear myself say “I know You are right God, but why is it so difficult?” ” Choice is freedom” I hear Him say. “Every moment you either choose you or Me. The more you play your own fiddle, the more you dance on your own grave. The more you choose Me, the more you are the real you.” “Hmm – how about that ?” I think – easier said than done. Then I have to remind myself a bear in pursuit of honey – has to take the sting. A man in pursuit of identity – has to sacrifice self. I wish I could say I was there, but I’m not. However, I know the more I choose Him, the more I will find me.
Love is complete. Nothing on the face of this earth can stand against it! God is love – choose well.
Love you guys,